After the 26 Dates: what now?

Like I mentioned in my previous post, when I finished my dating experiment - the 26 dates before my 26th birthday - I was tired. I had spent half a year going on approximately a date a week, matching with potentially hundreds of strangers across London, and talking about it pretty much non-stop. All the while juggling my normal life. It was A LOT.

A few days after my birthday, I went off to Truck festival for the weekend, and resolved to give dating a breather when I got back to London. Only I didn’t, not really.

I didn’t delete my dating apps. Well, I deleted Bumble and Tinder, eventually, but I kept Hinge because I still wanted the option to ‘window shop’ and keep myself available in case I came across a person who caught my eye. And so, I fell back into the cycle of swiping and liking when I was bored, idly chatting to people. Except now there wasn’t this whole rush to keep a timetable and proactively get dates in diaries.

It felt like a weird limbo, to be honest. I felt weird still being on the dating ‘scene’ after such an intensive experiment, but the idea of not dating felt weirder. For some reason, I just didn’t like the idea of completely closing myself off to it. I think, maybe, after chatting to people about the whole thing, and constantly hearing “6 months, 26 dates, and you didn’t find anybody you liked?” got to me a little bit. Because it’s not strictly true - there were a few people during my 26 dates who I liked and could see myself dating beyond the experiment - but it simply didn’t work out. Things either fizzled out, or they found someone they liked better, or they simply just didn’t want to take things further with me. It happens.

Part of me does wander, for those who I told about my experiment, that maybe they broke things off or let things fizzle because they were daunted at the idea of being written about. That I was doing things at such a public scale, and maybe I would continue if I were to enter into a relationship. Which is valid, because even in the age of social media, some people are still quite private and don’t want certain aspects of their lives broadcast to the world, anonymously or not. I put so much of my life out there, but while I love talking about sex, dating and relationships, I feel like I wouldn’t be so open about an actual relationship I was in. Particularly not in the early stages. But hey - it’s all speculation at this point.

I did go on a couple more dates this summer. The first one was fine, a nice enough person, but nothing hugely special that made me want to see them again. The second one, however, I did get quite excited about.

We matched towards the end of summer, had a lot in common and chatted for a couple of weeks before meeting up. I’m a bit skeptical about texting for ages before meeting up these days, as I feel like it creates a false intimacy and makes you feel like you know the person. Which isn’t the case - when you’re messaging someone, you have time to think about your responses and be witty - plus it’s always better to meet sooner rather than later, as text-chemistry doesn’t always translate to in-person chemistry (or vice versa!)

But our schedules eventually lined up and we were able to go out for a drink one Friday night. And it was really nice. I had a genuinely great time, and he seemed to as well, as he was asking me when I would next be free to go out again. I had those warm and fuzzy post-date feelings, when you get butterflies thinking about them and eagerly anticipating every text.

Only he didn’t want to see me again after all.

He messaged me a few days later saying that, although he had a great time getting to know me, he sensed that I had a lot going on and it felt a bit much.

I flashed back to our date. And in retrospect, a combination of a combination of alcohol, a weird few weeks and good date vibes made me a little more loose-lipped than I would usually be on a first date. I guess he just had a really kind (and handsome) face and I felt like he wouldn’t run away in the other direction. Among all the lovely chatter we had about books and RuPaul’s Drag Race, I divulged some things that were going on at work, family stuff (more specifically, reconnecting with my long-absent father) and some other things that are probably best reserved for the third or fifth date.

I can see why he was maybe a little apprehensive about continuing things. You’re supposed to keep things pretty light on a first date, and I potentially went a bit too deep.

That’s kind of just who I am though. If I feel a connection with a person, I want to tell them EVERYTHING. You know when you’re at a party or a night out, and you get chatting to someone, and suddenly you’re exchanging your deepest secrets and traumas. That’s pretty much my favourite way to bond with people.

Anyway. We parted ways, and it really did make me think: why am I still in pursuit of dating, when I’ve got so much other stuff that I need to deal with? Am I just seeking validation? Am I lonely? Or am I trying to distract myself from the things I should be dealing with? I think it’s a little of all three.

So where do I stand now?

I’ve deleted Hinge, so there are officially no more dating apps on my phone. Deleting it felt like a bigger deal than it should have been?! But it feels good - it’s been over a month and I don’t feel any inclination to go back for some more instant gratification. And I don’t think I want to for a while.

This isn’t gonna be another ‘challenge’ - 6 months of dating versus 6 months of no dating, or whatever - but I’m ‘consciously uncoupling’ from that world for a bit. Taking time for me. I know this time of year is generally ‘cuffing season’ but, for me, I think it’s best I go into a dating hibernation. To the end of the year, and maybe beyond. Who knows.

And I’m excited. I’m excited to embark on this new chapter of life - I’m also currently looking for a new job at the moment, so there’s a lot of things in the air. I’m excited to spend some more time on my blog, which you are reading on this brand new website. And my PODCAST, which I am excited to finally have launched, after so long of umm-ing and ahh-ing about it. And, of course, dealing with the aforementioned ‘dad’ stuff.

I hope you’re all excited to embark on this journey with me, too.